hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm at about main and main street
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
