you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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