Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
