my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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