I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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