1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
