I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
