I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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