I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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