I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
