I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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