it hurts more in the daytime
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
