I feel like I'm in dance class right now
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
