just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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