I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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