the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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