I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
