I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We are all done wearing pants today
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