the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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