My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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