I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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