do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
