I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
