I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
