tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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