And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
