margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
