so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You have to summon your inner elephant
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
