chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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