I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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