im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
