i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
