So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
