I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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