I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
