Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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