her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
