i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
