you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it's great music for shaving your balls
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
