coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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