So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
