Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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