Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
