Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
