How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
