Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
