I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
