My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
