just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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