Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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