Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
